After getting dumped (or generally just treated like crap), everyone will react differently; some girls will eat tons of junk food, others go shopping and splurge on beauty treatments. The latter is THIS GIRL right here. For the amount of money that I’ve spent pampering myself out of depression over the past few years, I could seriously buy a townhouse in SoHo. I wish I were kidding…but here it is, sometimes (ok, most of the time) treating myself just makes me FEEL BETTER and there’s nothing wrong with that. So basically, I take the whole “treat yo self” from Parks and Recreation thing to a whole other level after some douchebag decides that he’s “just not that into me” or stops calling. Here’s a breakdown of what I do for my revenge beauty treatment:
Step 1: Book a massage appointment somewhere fancy, and with a male masseuse.
I don’t really have to explain why massages are awesome. For one, it’ll help you relax and you’ll start thinking about how that asshole didn’t know how to give a proper massage and how much hotter your male masseuse is, compared to that dick you now hate. And here’s a tip, if they ask you what area you want to focus on, say you feel tension in your lower back…this means that you’ll probably end up getting your butt massaged which, I can’t lie, feels pretty amazing.
Step 2: Buy that really expensive beauty product that you previously said “I can’t. It’s too much for what it is” to. I don’t know what it is about face masks but I just can’t bring myself to buy them. I read about Boscia’s Luminizing Black Mask in a few magazines but when I realized that the mask costs $34, I didn’t buy it. It’s actually not THAT much money, in beauty terms, but I’ve always held strong when it comes to face masks since I don’t feel like they actually ever DO anything to my face. But when you’re in beauty revenge mode, you buy that shit right this minute. And here I am…black face mask and all my beauty revenge glory:
Step 3: Drink. It’s a simple one but drink those high-calorie drinks that you normally pass up for a vodka soda. Mimosas! Margaritas! Hell, even go for a Strawberry Daiquiri if that’s your deal. And, if you’re in New York City, I can even do you one better. The wine-based skincare line Caudalie has a spa at the Plaza Hotel where they actually do wine-based treatments and even serve wine in the relaxation/waiting area. I’ve been. And it’s glorious, trust me. You can kill two birds with one stone (steps 1 and 3, and maybe even step 2) just by going there. The Dry Body Fresh Grape Massage is amazing, though very sticky, and you can pretty much get wasted before and after the massage actually takes place.
Step 4: Get a blow out. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING will make you feel better than having good hair. Put on your favorite yoga pants and tank top (you don’t even need to get dressed, really) and get your hair blown out at a fancy salon or blow dry bar. I promise you, you’ll instantly feel chic and put together.
Step 5: Buy a ridiculously frivolous piece of “fine leather goods.” Parks and Recreation said it right. Men don’t understand why we buy pointless small leather shit so NOW is the time to buy that weird Gucci heart-shaped coin purse (who carries a coin purse?) or that Tory Burch shoe key chain, just because those infamous ballet flats make you remember your college glory days. DO IT. Enjoy your coin purse and shoe key chain. The next guy will appreciate them, too…but probably not really.
So lately I’ve been on a book-reading binge, no joke. I recently devoured Tucker Max’s new book, Assholes Finish First, and I also re-read all three of Chelsea Handler’s books…this is what I do. I go through reading phases and now I’ve moved onto an awesome new book written by Hill Harper, one of the hottie’s from “CSI.”
