07.18.2009

Understanding.

So it’s 4:20AM and either I’m still high off the Redbull Vodkas I consumed or I’m having a mental breakthrough. Tonight I learned a valuable lesson…I learned (FINALLY and once and for all) that you can’t change anyone but yourself. It sounds so simple but I question why it has taken me literally years to fully accept and comprehend. Tonight I went to a friend’s 30^th birthday party where I knew the infamous “P” would be. It’s been almost four years since I’ve seen P in person and I knew it was going to be a true test for myself. We arrived fairly late to the party and as soon as I came in to the bar, I saw P’s fiancé, “K”, immediately start whispering about me and pointing at me to her friend…all VERY mature, no? I felt like I was in a bad episode of “Beverly Hills 90210” when Brenda had to be around Kelly and Dylan after Dylan chose Kelly over her and in all honesty, it’s a BAD feeling to feel. However, the reason why K felt it necessary to act like we’re in 10^th grade raised an interesting question…she’s clearly insecure either with herself or with their relationship and therefore I have nothing to feel except pity for her and nothing to be upset about because it’s clear to me that I “won.” I won because I don’t E-V-E-R want to be in a relationship with someone only to be constantly threatened or worried that he’s going to leave me. Why would anyone want that unless they’re a desperate, hungry tiger? Even though she’s not the prettiest girl, she should still have enough maturity and self-worth not to feel intimidated by someone who isn’t even in P’s life anymore. He chose her. And I’m ok with it.

Long story short, K acted like a complete and total idiot to the point where P actually had to pull her aside and tell her she needs to calm down and stop acting up. Did I want to slam her ugly little face into the bar? Yes, absolutely. But I have more self control than that. I finally realized why I could never be “enough” for P because he was clearly looking for something else in a person. It’s not my style to grind up on people, even in a “joking” way, and do the “accidental” bump into. I find it completely ironic/hilarious that he’s engaged to such a person because when we were in college, she is exactly the type of girl he used to make fun of and call desperate for attention. I saw that way he watched me laugh and talk to other guys, I saw the way she acted around me and I won. But what am I really winning, you ask?

Towards the end of the night, someone requested Tenacious D’s “Fuck Her Softly” which was a song that P and I always shared. It hurt to watch her shout the words with us. It hurt that he shared one of our favorite songs with her. But in the end, I know that I’ve moved on. I’m not simple, I’m completely complicated. I’m tall and pale and sensitive and smart and I still wasn’t enough for him. But “enough” is completely relative when someone is looking for something completely different in a person from what and WHO you are. As I said goodbye to the birthday boy, he told me that he was really impressed with how I handled myself and that “nobody made it easy” for me to be in that situation. I realized tonight that I’m genuinely happy with the person that I’ve become, and that’s all that really matters in the end. I’m a damn strong person with great character. I have self-respect, class and a ton of family and friends who really care about me and are there for me when I need them. Maybe he left with her tonight and yeah, I’m sure they’ll still get married next month but at least I know that I have all the things I think are important in life- self-respect, class and friends and family who care. I finally got the closure that I truly needed to move on. Understanding. I finally understand and it feels fan-fucking-tastic.