So it’s 4:20AM and either I’m still high off the Redbull Vodkas I consumed or I’m having a mental breakthrough. Tonight I learned a valuable lesson…I learned (FINALLY and once and for all) that you can’t change anyone but yourself. It sounds so simple but I question why it has taken me literally years to fully accept and comprehend. Tonight I went to a friend’s 30th birthday party where I knew the infamous “P” would be. It’s been almost four years since I’ve seen P in person and I knew it was going to be a true test for myself. We arrived fairly late to the party and as soon as I came in to the bar, I saw P’s fiancé, “K”, immediately start whispering about me and pointing at me to her friend…all VERY mature, no? I felt like I was in a bad episode of “Beverly Hills 90210” when Brenda had to be around Kelly and Dylan after Dylan chose Kelly over her and in all honesty, it’s a BAD feeling to feel. However, the reason why K felt it necessary to act like we’re in 10th grade raised an interesting question…she’s clearly insecure either with herself or with their relationship and therefore I have nothing to feel except pity for her and nothing to be upset about because it’s clear to me that I “won.” I won because I don’t E-V-E-R want to be in a relationship with someone only to be constantly threatened or worried that he’s going to leave me. Why would anyone want that unless they’re a desperate, hungry tiger? Even though she’s not the prettiest girl, she should still have enough maturity and self-worth not to feel intimidated by someone who isn’t even in P’s life anymore. He chose her. And I’m ok with it.

Long story short, K acted like a complete and total idiot to the point where P actually had to pull her aside and tell her she needs to calm down and stop acting up. Did I want to slam her ugly little face into the bar? Yes, absolutely. But I have more self control than that. I finally realized why I could never be “enough” for P because he was clearly looking for something else in a person. It’s not my style to grind up on people, even in a “joking” way, and do the “accidental” bump into. I find it completely ironic/hilarious that he’s engaged to such a person because when we were in college, she is exactly the type of girl he used to make fun of and call desperate for attention. I saw that way he watched me laugh and talk to other guys, I saw the way she acted around me and I won. But what am I really winning, you ask?

Towards the end of the night, someone requested Tenacious D’s “Fuck Her Softly” which was a song that P and I always shared. It hurt to watch her shout the words with us. It hurt that he shared one of our favorite songs with her. But in the end, I know that I’ve moved on. I’m not simple, I’m completely complicated. I’m tall and pale and sensitive and smart and I still wasn’t enough for him. But “enough” is completely relative when someone is looking for something completely different in a person from what and WHO you are. As I said goodbye to the birthday boy, he told me that he was really impressed with how I handled myself and that “nobody made it easy” for me to be in that situation. I realized tonight that I’m genuinely happy with the person that I’ve become, and that’s all that really matters in the end. I’m a damn strong person with great character. I have self-respect, class and a ton of family and friends who really care about me and are there for me when I need them. Maybe he left with her tonight and yeah, I’m sure they’ll still get married next month but at least I know that I have all the things I think are important in life- self-respect, class and friends and family who care. I finally got the closure that I truly needed to move on. Understanding. I finally understand and it feels fan-fucking-tastic.

3 thoughts on “Understanding.

  1. It would have taken everything I had not to sucker punch her. It really says a lot that you didn't. It really shows who is classy and who is not. Honestly, if she is that immature, trashy, unclassy, insecure then..like you said, she must not be confident about the relationship. Yeah, they might be getting married but I'm willing to bet my right nipple that it doesn't last!

  2. I'm super proud of you! You've come a long way and I think this only made you stronger. It shows that you've finally moved on and signifies the final break.

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