I’m cringing as I post this old photo of myself from college. Dancing away…with my starter Gucci bag, a neon wristband and, of course, my TRAMP STAMP hanging out, as per usual back then. #LONGISLAND. Sure, it was the “style” and all, but as a now 31-year-old woman I’m dealing with the fact that having a lower back tattoo is kind of a big fat JOKE.
“Jamie! I didn’t know you have a tramp stamp!!!” is said more often than not since I live in a city where it’s bikini season 11 months out of the year and, honestly, I get it. Nicole Richie puts it best:
After getting dumped (or generally just treated like crap), everyone will react differently; some girls will eat tons of junk food, others go shopping and splurge on beauty treatments. The latter is THIS GIRL right here. For the amount of money that I’ve spent pampering myself out of depression over the past few years, I could seriously buy a townhouse in SoHo. I wish I were kidding…but here it is, sometimes (ok, most of the time) treating myself just makes me FEEL BETTER and there’s nothing wrong with that. So basically, I take the whole “treat yo self” from Parks and Recreation thing to a whole other level after some douchebag decides that he’s “just not that into me” or stops calling. Here’s a breakdown of what I do for my revenge beauty treatment:
Step 1: Book a massage appointment somewhere fancy, and with a male masseuse.
I don’t really have to explain why massages are awesome. For one, it’ll help you relax and you’ll start thinking about how that asshole didn’t know how to give a proper massage and how much hotter your male masseuse is, compared to that dick you now hate. And here’s a tip, if they ask you what area you want to focus on, say you feel tension in your lower back…this means that you’ll probably end up getting your butt massaged which, I can’t lie, feels pretty amazing.
Step 2: Buy that really expensive beauty product that you previously said “I can’t. It’s too much for what it is” to. I don’t know what it is about face masks but I just can’t bring myself to buy them. I read about Boscia’s Luminizing Black Mask in a few magazines but when I realized that the mask costs $34, I didn’t buy it. It’s actually not THAT much money, in beauty terms, but I’ve always held strong when it comes to face masks since I don’t feel like they actually ever DO anything to my face. But when you’re in beauty revenge mode, you buy that shit right this minute. And here I am…black face mask and all my beauty revenge glory:
Step 3: Drink. It’s a simple one but drink those high-calorie drinks that you normally pass up for a vodka soda. Mimosas! Margaritas! Hell, even go for a Strawberry Daiquiri if that’s your deal. And, if you’re in New York City, I can even do you one better. The wine-based skincare line Caudalie has a spa at the Plaza Hotel where they actually do wine-based treatments and even serve wine in the relaxation/waiting area. I’ve been. And it’s glorious, trust me. You can kill two birds with one stone (steps 1 and 3, and maybe even step 2) just by going there. The Dry Body Fresh Grape Massage is amazing, though very sticky, and you can pretty much get wasted before and after the massage actually takes place.
Step 4: Get a blow out. Nothing, I repeat NOTHING will make you feel better than having good hair. Put on your favorite yoga pants and tank top (you don’t even need to get dressed, really) and get your hair blown out at a fancy salon or blow dry bar. I promise you, you’ll instantly feel chic and put together.
Step 5: Buy a ridiculously frivolous piece of “fine leather goods.”Parks and Recreation said it right. Men don’t understand why we buy pointless small leather shit so NOW is the time to buy that weird Gucci heart-shaped coin purse (who carries a coin purse?) or that Tory Burch shoe key chain, just because those infamous ballet flats make you remember your college glory days. DO IT. Enjoy your coin purse and shoe key chain. The next guy will appreciate them, too…but probably not really.
Truth be told, my legs have never been my favorite body part but when I heard that Venus razors enlisted celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson (think Gwenyth, Madonna and Kate Hudson), naturally, I was intrigued. For example, did you know that 30% of women are currently using a men’s razor because they think they are better?! (Fact, they are not). Well, let’s get down to the nitty gritty – I asked Tracy for some tips on how to get my hot spots in shape, e.g. my stomach and thighs.
STOMACH FITNESS TIPS:
Stretch and contrast (open and close the rib cage) abs during sit ups to lengthen the muscles for a feminine looking stomach. A good example is a PIKE – lay flat on your back with arm stretched out over your head and legs straight out in front of you; allow your ribs to open and stretch through your stomach. Then bring your hands down to your sides and legs straight up in the air at 90 degrees, the shoulders and head will lift up in an upper body crunch. Release back to starting position – do 15-25, and work your way up to 100.
Sweat during your workouts! It reduces unnecessary bloating.
THIGH FITNESS TIPS:
Inner thighs bulk quickly; find a leg program that engages the inner thigh without bulking. Programs that have a dance base are a good example.
A simple exercise for the inner thigh is to lay on your side, supporting your body by leaning on your elbow, your wokring leg stretched out straight out in the same line as your body with the other leg bent at the knee so the sole of your foot is on the ground. Lift the working leg straight up, keeping the thigh turned out, lower back to the floor, and then kick the other leg out to the side in the same line as the leg on the ground, making a small split. Do about 40 reps on each leg.
Stay away from spinning and the elliptical – they both tend to bulk up thighs! Dance cardio is a great base.
Truth be told, my legs have never been my favorite body part but when I heard that 
